Constant life saver

Exactly a year ago, December 2, 2016 was the day everything about my life changed. I found out I was 9 weeks pregnant.

I asked a good friend to go with me and have myself checked only to be told to get an ultrasound.

Here's an overview of your first ultrasound if you're at your first trimester with your first child

IT ISN'T THE STICK THAT GETS SWIPED ACROSS YOUR TUMMY.

(Verbatim)
Doctor: Is this your first child?

Me: Yes po. (DO I LOOK LIKE I'VE BEEN A SURROGATE MOTHER?!)

Doctor: Okay so, this isn't the ultrasound where I swipe something over your tummy ha? *shows me a techy stick* I'll be inserting this up your vagina.

my what

*****************************************************************************

All kidding aside, back then I considered it most as my own personal downhill. I was 20 and there was still so much to be done. I was still planning to do other things like legally enter a bar and be one of those last man standing. I wanted to experience experimenting with crap out of curiosity, etc. Basically, the thought of having a child never occurred to me. Heck, I even hated kids. But mostly, my plans to travel and learn more about film suddenly seemed so out of reach.

Let me tell you a thing or two about what goes on in your head when you find out about the unexpected: you know how people say that when you're about to die, your life flashes before your very eyes? Well, if you never intended on having a child, its like that but what flashes are mostly just every wild and crazy night you've had. 

And what came into me was this:

"What kind of hold could this child have when I freakin' biked all the way to Pasay just a month ago?"

I'd be lying if I say I never thought about losing the child but with the circumstances, I almost gave in to my then guy's decision to do the unthinkable.

I can still recall what I did that very night I got home. Before sleeping, I was staring at my ultrasound and caressing my stomach apologising to my baby that I couldn't have her yet. (For some reason I already felt that it was a girl). That night, I dreamt of a child getting off a school bus and running to give me a hug. That morning, I woke balancing my thoughts. 

I'm one heck of an asshole but if there's one thing I can never live with its harming something so helpless. 

Before Athena came, I was every parent's college child nightmare. I often came home in the wee hours of the night, drunk and reeking of alcohol. Sometimes I wouldn't even come home. An average student who never gave much effort on her studies. My grades were hanging by a thread. 

As cliche as it may sound, being saved by a the birth of child is one of the best feeling there is. 

A lot of people have greeted me, praising me for saving a life when in fact, my daughter has saved me from all the crap I would've done only to later regret. My daughter has saved me from making the same mistakes. Athena has taught me to be far more patient and understanding in every aspect and everyday she continuously saves me.

I've seen myself change in ways even I never expected.

Being a single mother and out of wedlock, I've learned to cope with all the stares thrown at me. Why should what they think matter? I may be too young but life just gave me more time to show my daughter all the unconditional love I could give. I've learned and I still am. 

I've been asked countless times, how I can possibly fill the shoes of both parents and in all honesty, there are still times when I ask myself that. But everyday I'm reminded that given the people willingly surrounding my daughter, one man's absence isn't much of a loss.